As I sat there listening to the adults calling out, “Amy! Has Amy been good or bad this year, Santa? Is she on your naughty or nice list? Was she good enough to receive a present this year?”, I cringed to my very core and mouthed to my husband, “Seriously?!”.

Professionally as a psychologist and personally as a parent, I strive to be curious about children’s behaviour and work hard to figure out what is driving their behaviour. As much as it’s sometimes difficult to leave behind the traditional “good” or “bad” view of children’s behaviour that tends to prevail in our culture, I try to keep my curious scientist hat on: I want to know what is going on for the child that they are behaving this way? What is underneath the behaviour that we can see?

If you follow my page on Facebook, you’ll know that I’m a huge fan of Dr Mona Delahooke’s work. She conceptualises children’s behaviour using the imagery of an iceberg: the tip of the iceberg above the waterline is what we can see: the behaviour. Below the waterline is where the majority of the iceberg lives and where we take into account factors like: thoughts, emotions, sensory processing, developmental capacities, trauma, medical issues, body sensations and many other factors which drive the behaviour that we see. A lot of these factors are bottom-up or body-up processes, which means that when these factors are at play, the behaviour is not consciously (top-down) chosen, it is due to subconscious (body-up) processes. To paraphrase Dr Ross Greene, behaviour is just the flag, just the signal that there is an expectation that the child is having difficulty meeting – we need to dig deeper to find out why.

When we solely view children’s behaviour as conscious and top-down, it is natural to view behaviours purely through the lens of good or bad / compliant or non-compliant. As we can see above, however, this view leaves us prone to missing areas in which our children may require support for healthy development (e.g., a medical check-up or sensory assessment to inform us about the child’s needs). When we consider the invisible factors that may be driving the child’s behaviour, rather than judging the behaviour, we can become more curious and open to the child and their experience, and support them to navigate whatever stressor/s may be triggering their behaviour. This view also opens up more compassion for our children and does wonders for our relationships with them.

In this process of re-thinking behaviour, it is important to also have compassion for ourselves. We, just like our children, have our own iceberg, our own invisible factors that strongly influence our behaviour. Though our brains are much more developed than our children’s, we too can engage in “bad behaviour” which is driven by body-up processes. This is a paradigm shift, and it takes commitment to change our deeply ingrained thinking about behaviour, to become aware of what might be driving our own “bad behaviour”, and to learn to address these factors.

So, how about this Christmas, instead of using Santa and the Elf on the Shelf as behaviour management tools, we restore these loveable characters to their purest purpose – to help us celebrate the Season with those we love, and share joy, generosity and love. Because, at the end of the day, just like us, “Kids do well if they can” (Dr Ross Greene).

Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas!

- Danielle

References:

Delahooke, M. (2017-2021). Various podcast episodes. See: https://monadelahooke.com/podcasts/

Delahooke, M. (2019). Beyond behaviours: Using brain science and compassion to understand and solve children’s behavioural challenges. John Murray Press.

Greene, R. W. (2021). Collaborative & proactive solutions: 2 day training. Lives in the Balance.

Greene, R. W. (2021). The explosive child: A new approach for understanding and parenting easily frustrated, chronically inflexible children (6th ed.). HarperCollins.

Naughty or Nice: A Paradigm Shift at Christmas Time

- Danielle